It all began last Halloween, and essentially ended last Friday when I made the conscious decision to take the hardest and greatest leap of my life. Friday was an ending, but the start of what will be an incredible journey. I know that. I have often wondered what I'm made of, and I now get to discover who I am and what I want. How many of us get to do that?
After 16 years with 'The Company,' where I started straight out of school and was currently in my "dream" job, I had unconsciously worked myself into a way of operating that I completely disengaged when I felt that I couldn't live up to what I thought other people expected of me. I would then get mad at myself for not living up to my own expectations. I became very talented at beating myself up instead of developing my true talents and being true to myself. Come to find out, this was the all-powerful shame cycle - deep, ingrained shame. My coach, Robin, who is one of the most gifted, thoughtful people and a true light-force unto herself was the one who helped me understand this and has been helping me peel back the layers to get to my core. The other person who, so poignantly, asks those questions that result in self-epiphanies has been Simon, my Leadership and Personal Development faculty at BGI. Without these two people, I may not have been able to continue breathing, let alone make the discoveries I have made about myself. The third support in this journey, unbeknownst to her, is Brene Brown, who has achieved the status of one of the eight, amazing people I would want to invite to a dinner party (Jon Stewart, Madeleine Albright, and Hillary Clinton are a few others) is really the one who has brought shame to the national forefront. Thank goodness for all of us that she has. (Thank you, Brene, for the work you have and are continuing to do AND for bringing yourself.) I have read her books and had the rare privilege to attend a 2-day workshop with her. As one who never thought I would attend any sort of "self-help" workshops or read any of "those" books. I am in - hook, line, and sinker!
I am working on embracing this big change and new awareness that I have. There are definitely moments where I really feel that ignorance was indeed bliss; however, I know that bliss was fleeting. Brene had found in her research that approximately 20-25% of the people she interviewed instinctively lived a wholehearted life - true to themselves. The other 75% or so had to fight their way there. I'm in the fighter camp, and I say, BRING IT ON! (In other, tough moments, I wonder, "Why can't I be one of those 20-25%?!)
I'll close with one of my most favorite quotes from Eudora Welty:
"All serious daring starts from within."
Let the daring begin.
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